What A Nice Change

This weekend has been so very different from the past three :) It has been a nice change. Not that the kids changed at all. They are kids. And they're still cranky pants lately. But I've been about 50% calmer. With work. A few spankings here and there, but not nearly as many outbursts as I had a few weeks ago. Not so many mommy-time-outs as I had thought... but more of me just trying not to care about the little stuff, about the house being clean all the time (obviously... Via got Oreo stuck in her hair tonight...) Wonderful, right?

I just really have to remember... all the time... that they act like kids because they are kids. I'm the adult. I read that somewhere last night, and it was awesome. Eye opener, ya know? I also read - maybe in the same article - that as mothers we should know better than to judge one another. We should be strengthening and lifting each other instead of trying to compare. Because we all know how hard it is. And non-parents, judge all you want until you have children of your own. I don't care. I was also the perfect parent before I had kids ;) Just wait. *I add in "of your own" there because believe it or not, babysitting is ENTIRELY different than having your own midgets 24/7. Seriously. I'm the oldest of 6 and got my fair share of babysitting in... just trust me. 

My house is a disaster, but at least the dishes are done. Lucas stayed up until almost midnight the other night, but he slept in the cart during our entire trip to Costco. (Natural consequences, right? He really wanted to go to Costco later ;) I made freezer pasta for dinner tonight, and it ended up on the couch because I didn't feel like rounding kids up to a table I hadn't cleared off yet, but they are fed. 

Pick your battles and let perfection go. It's not gonna happen. Do the best you can, and when you can't, don't hold it against yourself. Try again tomorrow. That's all for now ;)

No More

It was a weird day. It was Sunday, which means Sundays are always hard, but it was hard and weird. Lots of thoughts swirling around this head of mine at 2 am... Let's begin.

I yell. And spank. A lot. Too much. It has taken me until now to realize that it's not helping, and it's not working. I grew up with yelling and hitting and violence, as I may have mentioned in some past post, and it's no excuse at all for how I choose to act now... I'm just saying that's how I grew up expressing feelings. And it's hard to change. But it's time for a change.

I'm afraid that if I don't change I will never be able to be a stay at home mom. Hard job. I may lose my mind. Most of the time when I'm home with the kids on the weekends, I feel like I am just not cut out to be a SAHM. Bring on the mama guilt. It should be easy. It should be natural, right? It's not, at least for me. What's "natural" for me lately is screaming every time they make a mess. Which is A LOT. When Lucas hits Via, I spank him. When he's just being too loud, I become louder. You think I would have figured this out a while ago, with common sense and all, that it is just not working. He screams, I scream, he screams louder. Duh, Shaeli. Could we have not taken a step back and analyzed the situation before now?? Really though it's just gotten bad in the last few weeks. I'm sure the super hard work week, the pneumonia, the fractured rib and every other life stressor helped a ton with my mama actions ;) So, that crap week is over, my rib feels better, I'm not coughing all day long now... and we begin again.

No more yelling. No more spanking. The rest of July will be my "try"al month in which I give myself "tires" and remember this resolve before lashing out. August will officially be "stop" month. I have no idea what I'm going to do instead, so stay tuned as I figure it out ;)

What led to all this on this hard and weird day? I had to leave church. Levi was able to come today which was good because I had to physically leave church and go home to calm down. We weren't even 20 min in. Keep in mind our church starts at 1pm, and I'm usually stressed before we even walk out the door. That held true today. I was tired, hadn't eaten much, the last few days were hard as well... and these kids just didn't want to sit still. I tried giving him the iPad with headphones early - usually he does a good job of waiting until after they've passed the Sacrament - but he wanted to run around with his head still attached to it. I lost it. Right in the middle of a baby blessing :(  Well done, self. I took Lucas out and we both ended up on the floor crying. So Levi sent me home. Good man, that Levi. He knows when his wife needs a time-out ;) And I did. I took a time-out, ate some lunch, researched how to be a calmer mother, and went back to church.

So, the first line of defense will most likely be a mama time-out. It seemed to work pretty well today! Just to breathe or count or lock myself in my room (just figured out today that our bedroom door has a lock. Who knew?) The kids are just being kids 80% of the time so there is no real misbehavior to punish. Lately Lucas and Via have been awesome at picking on each other, and that 20% does need to be disciplined somehow, I'm just not sure how yet. Suggestions would be much appreciated!

I haven't really figured any other tactics out beside the mama time-out, so we'll see what works and what doesn't I guess. I've been reading a bunch of articles on parenting, not yelling, why spanking is bad (which I don't believe it is if you can do it right... I just can't do it right right now... if that makes sense.) But I haven't come across any foolproof ways to discipline. Probably because kids aren't fools ;) Those little midgets are smart! And of course what works for one kid won't work as well for another. So we'll get creative! Again, techniques that will work on a 3 year old would be very helpful! We may have to just wait it out with Via. I have no idea what to do with that chick. Lucas was not like this when he was that age :/ She provokes him, and I guess he didn't really have anyone to provoke at the time.

Now for the weird part of the day/weekend: I still want more kids. I still wanted more the whole time I was frustrated with the ones I have. Yeah, I wanted to ship them off somewhere for a while and crawl in my bed and die this morning, but I still wanted more. That feels so selfish to me, so then I'd go beating myself up again for wanting more when I can't even figure out the ones I've got. I have no idea how to analyze this thought... It's just weird to me. Just. weird. It's like I know in the very back of my mind that even though it is hard now, it will pass. This part will get easier, and I would still like 4 kids in the long run. I guess we will see how these next few months go and then maybe reevaluate...

Anyway, there's my confession for the day: I spent half of it mad and thinking I'm a horrible mother and the other half snuggling with Lucas during a movie and pushing Via in the swing at Grandma Dawn's. It was a toss up. But even the toss-up days mixed with yelling and spanking are not great like they should be. These kids deserve great days. They won't all be great, but most of them should be. So it's time for a change to become great.

Let Freedom Ring!

Love Independence Day in Malad! Our 4th of July was super fun! Most of it. The very end where Via wouldn't stop screaming before and during the fireworks was a downer to a great day, but all in all it was great!

We started the day off with the parade, then went to Grandpa Billy and Grandma Susie's to ride the go-cart, had lunch where we always do - at the Thomas's - had fun shooting guns with Grandpa, Lucas got to jump on the trampoline, Via took a nap in the car while we went to the Drive-In for shakes and while Lucas jumped on the bouncy houses and slide, later there was Malad's Got Talent of course, and then we finished off the day with fireworks! Whoo! It was a very busy day! Via was just so tired by the time we got to the fireworks she didn't stop screaming until 15 min after we got on the road to head home. I don't think she was scared because she loved the ones we saw while waiting for the big show; she was just way past exhausted, poor girl. She had lots of fun earlier in the day, though, I promise! I think it was pretty evident from the way her shirt ended up ;)

This is how the shirts started out around 8 am...

At the parade

Via looking for candy

The bow untied... and wouldn't stay tied

They got popsicles :)

Digging in!

Lucas's first time shooting a gun

Not interested in shooting - Via was just gearing up to ride the go-cart! 

And for our awkward part of the day... Levi has a camelback water thing that he and the kids were drinking out of all day. The mouthpiece falls right at Levi's nipple, so he had a blast "nursing" the kids ;)

 "Rescuing" cousin Emma... she got all the way up there before anyone realized! 

And this is how Via's shirt ended up... we lost the "star" bow somewhere around shooting guns

Not quite as dirty, but lost his star as well

Sno-cones... 

... and cotton candy!

We are so grateful we live in such a great country where we are free to do all these fun things! We are also very grateful for jobs that close on the 4th of July ;) Thank you to all those who have fought to keep this country free! I hope everyone had a great holiday with family and friends!

Moms Aren't Supposed to Get Sick...

Load. of. crap. I wish moms wouldn't get sick, but we do. At least this one, this working/daycare mom does. I think this is cough #4 since I started working and put the kids in daycare last September. The last ones would go away with a  Z-pac but just kept coming back. This one started with allergies, so I thought that was all it was, but I should have known better. They always turn bacterial for me. And obviously the Z-pacs weren't cutting it :/ Oh, and I think I cracked my rib this time :D Super fun! Levi is a little hesitant to admit to an actual fractured rib, but this is what I know: I've had open-heart surgery which led to at least 5 fractured ribs and 1) this feels just like that, and 2) even if it isn't actually cracked, it hurts really bad. And when I cough, it hurts really, really, really bad. Like had-to-hold-a-pillow-to-my chest-after-heart-surgery-bad (but only in one spot this time, thank goodness!)

So, things got bad enough, and I got stressed out enough that my wonderful mother-in-law came over to watch the kids after church while I went to an urgent care. Good choice, I think! It boiled down to (his almost-exact words): "Well, we can either get an x-ray and see that you pneumonia, or we can go ahead and treat you for pneumonia." I opted not to pay for an x-ray just to prove I'm right about the rib  ;) and he went ahead and attacked this crap from all sides! So, one shot in the tukus (which I didn't even catch the name of, should have), one antibiotic, one inhaler, one steroid, one narcotic, and one work excuse later.... I am starting to feel better! Hopefully this will get rid of it once and for all!

Not gonna lie... knowing that I don't have to work tomorrow/today (it's 1:30 am) was a huge relief in itself. It's very stressful trying to not cough all over your patients and super stressful when you are not successful. Which I wasn't at least 70% of the time. All. week. long. last week. Ohhhh, last week...

Preface: I love my job. I know I joke about working with urine and whatnot, but I really do love what I do. It's a great job - with benefits, yay!! - and I work with really great people! However, last week was definitely super stressful and I think the work situation added to this sick crap just did me in; last week was hell for me. It was our first week after moving into a different office on the same floor - I can't imagine how it was when they moved entire the entire building about  a year and a half ago (I was a pt then, actually, and saw my nurse run around trying to figure things out. Didn't look fun). It was a great decision for our clinic for multiple reasons, I think. It will be good once we get really adjusted :) But my providers - the 3 midwives and our PA - downsized a bit. We went from 5 rooms between them all to 3 rooms. Getting actual supplies condensed into the rooms was much easier than I thought it would be, but come time for 3 providers working out of 3 rooms last Tuesday was not as easy. I had 5-7 patients backed up almost all the time. It seemed like I just couldn't get them in quickly enough, even with trying to "stage" them (do vitals and urine check and then having them wait for a room to open). It was just a learning experience for all of us.

Our PA is still getting used to me too, I think. I don't quite know how she wants things done yet; I don't know everything that she needs me know yet, which I'm sure is just plain frustrating for her. She does more gynecology, whereas the midwives, although they do gyn stuff, they do more OB stuff.  And it's the OBs that call and ask more questions, which I know more of the answers to, especially since I've been pregnant. Anyway, no one really knew how last Tuesday was going to go, and I thought I had an idea of how to get people in/out effectively, but it wasn't what our PA had in mind, so she got a little frazzled, and then I got a little frazzled, then the patients just kept coming, and I was running around trying to not cough on everyone and keep all the pap smears straight (which I did do!), and it was just a really intense day that let to the rest of the week being a little more frustrating than I'm used to. It will work out, and we will all get settled. We actually have already switched schedules around - thanks to a willing midwife - so that we no longer will have 3 providers in at one time. Yay!! Love them all, but not all together ;)

Anyway, that's my rant about last week. The week kind of led to a high-strung mama over the weekend, too. (I'm just gonna keep going, you can keep reading if you want. You don't have to ;) My - again, awesome - mother-in-law called me Friday morning to see if she could take the kids down to Soda Springs (about 50 mins away) for a sleepover with their cousins. I said no at first since they are so young still, and I didn't want it to be stressful for her if they wouldn't sleep or got homesick. But by the afternoon I was so wound up that the kids were unhappy, I was unhappy; we had shopped that morning which is not usually fun for any of us... we did get a pretzel and played at the mall which was fun, but taking babies shopping is not your usual girly shopping trip. Anyway, by about 3pm I asked Dawn if she was still willing to take them for the night. I told her I would definitely come get them if I needed to, but she said the did great! Lucas passed out of the floor, and Via slept with Grandma (maybe not so great for Grandma because Via kicks and prods and rolls), but at least she slept instead of screamed :) And it was definitely a much needed break for us parents!

I did get all emotional at one point, not because I missed my kids, but because I didn't miss them. I thought I should and felt bad that I didn't. Like the Rascal Flatts song... I feel bad that I don't feel bad. Don't get me wrong, of course I love my kids, and I would much rather have them than not, but I was just completely at my wits' end. And it was great being able to do whatever we wanted when we wanted! We haven't had that for a while! We went out for dinner, I didn't feel rushed to get home to relieve the babysitter, we didn't have to put kids to bed,  my house was clean... love my kids, not their messes. It was just a much needed break. Thank you, thank you, thank you again to my amazing mother-in-law who is always there for us! And Happy Birthday today to my amazing mother who is always there for me when I need to talk or complain or vent to an actual person instead of just a blog! And especially for the cards and gifts she is always sending us and the kids :) Love you both! Thanks for all that you both do!

Well, I suppose this post is long enough now with all my ranting ;) I know life will get easier, the kids will get easier, the house will remain clean for longer, and I will miss these days of sticky floors and happy, crazy toddlers eventually :)

P.s. Lucas has been dry at night for the last three nights, so this is his first one without a diaper! We'll see how it goes!