Reading and Singing

FINALLY finished Harry Potter!! It felt like forever when I was trying to get through them - really not long... a month and a half - but now I'm pretty sad that I'm done. I'm kind of having withdrawals. I can't wait to start the series again while reading it to the kids :) Is three too young?? And why did I wait so stinking long to finish the series??? Books 4 and 5 let me down so I just never got around to reading the last two. But they are fabulous! Love. HP.

I started reading Les Mis. I'm trying to decide if I want to keep reading it... It's not the abridged version. And I'm afraid I'm a little to dense to understand it. I'm not quite sure what's going on yet... and I've seen the movie ha! We'll see what happens with May's reading...

As for singing... Lucas has started singing. I love it. My mom and grandma used to sing 'The Cherry Song' to me as a kid. That's what we call it anyway. It's an old riddle song:

I gave my love a cherry that had no stone
I gave my love a chicken that had no bone
I gave my love a ring that had no end
I gave my love a baby with no crying

How can there be a cherry, etc...

A cherry that's bloomin', it has no stone
A chicken when it's pippin', it has no bone
A ring when it's rollin', it has no end
And a baby when he's sleeping has no crying

Levi thinks it's a weird song. He's right. But I still love it :) And apparently Lucas loves it, too! (I recorded on my phone in his dark room... the video really is black, you just need the sound, though, so no worries.)

My grandma met the kids and me in Idaho Falls this weekend, and she tried to sing this song to Lucas in the car. My poor grandma. Lucas's reply was "No. Mommy sing." Lil' stinker!

These kids are growing up way too fast already. I tried to tell them they aren't allowed, but they don't listen :( Right now there are a few really bad days, but most are good days. I love these ages and their age gap. People usually think I just go crazy all the time, and sometimes I do, but most of the time I love it. They play great together. The moments where Levi and I are like "yeah, we should have more" are definitely outweighing the "my heavens, we're crazy!" moments lately ;)

...So I Run Now

If you're read through my new year's goals, you know that I've tried for a few months now to get my life in a healthier place, especially physically. And, as I've said before, I always get those comments: "But you're already so skinny!" "Don't tell me you're on a diet!" Well, I went to a CMA conference this weekend and learned that even skinny people get Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus, and as a result of their body weight, they are usually the ones that get skipped with the diagnosis. This will be me in 20 years if I don't do something. I'm sure of it. I love sugar. I love soda. I love fast food, especially Baconators right now :/ I love the unhealthy. The skinnies are the ones that get overlooked when it comes to health. "Oh, you're cholesterol is a little high, but don't worry, you're skinny." This Dr. at the conference said these are the ones that drop dead at 45 from a heart attack. I may have come into the world with a heart problem, but that's not how I'm going out! Especially at 45... so I run now. 

I also got a bit of good news as I asked my OB (the one who gave me the green light to have more kids) in passing what my chances would be to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) would be, assuming the next kid is in the right position. He told me 80%. I like those odds :) I would absolutely love to try for a VBAC! I won't get into the opinions and risks and whatever... that's an entirely different post altogether. The main reason for my previous c-sections with Lucas and Via were that they were both frank breech because of the septum (or wall) in my baby maker. They just grew that way. If you've read the previous post, you know the plan is to remove the septum, making it possible (hopefully) for the next kiddos to grow well and position the right way. We shall see. The runner-up reason for the c-sections was my heart. The cardiologists just figured it might be safer to do a c-secion. Did I agree with them? Yes. Was I in shape at all then? No. If I get in shape and am able to run a 5K or whatever, would I still agree? Probably not. We will see how it all works out of course, but at least if I get in shape I can use that as my pro-VBAC argument... so I run now ;)

Special thanks to the ladies that get me up and running 3 times a week now!

Magical March

I know. It's April. It's even the middle of April, and I haven't blogged in over a month. I was trying to get through all of the Harry Potter books for my "magical March" reading :) Cheesy?? I don't care haha! I didn't start until the 13th or so, and I still have the last one to read. I will try to get through that one by the end of this month and then go from there. Maybe Les Mis May? No, I've never read that one either. I had to read Walden in high school instead of Les Mis. Don't ask me why *serious eye rolling*

I started reading Harry Potter when they were first coming out when I was younger, but I stopped after 5. And after reading through them all again, I remembered why. 4 and 5 were definitely not my faves. Love the series, though, love her writing, love the movies. I also hadn't seen the last 4 movies, which I watched the weekend prior to delving into the books. This drives some people crazy! Seeing the movie before reading the book... but I love it! I don't have that great of an imagination. My thoughts when reading aren't very detailed and they're kind of "blurry" if that helps explain it at all ha! The movies are so much better than what I picture in my head most of the time! And if they're not, then I'm usually more disappointed if I read the book first. Like Twilight. We won't even go there.

The picture in my head is always, always different (understandably) than the actual motion picture (yup. dug that word out of the 1950s or whatever). I hate reading the book first and then seeing the movie in a completely different way. It's just frustrating to me for some reason. I usually pay attention to moves better, too. My mind likes to skip the sentences where people aren't speaking. Then I have to go back :/ Reading comprehension was never one of my best skills haha!

Anyway, if you haven't yet read the Harry Potter series because you are a decade behind like me, I suggest you do :) I know my grandma doesn't want to read the rest because she knows what happens (she's so cute) but the books explain sooo much more! And I just love the way J. K. Rowling writes. She's fantastic. I borrowed most of the books from my fabulous midwife Patty (thank you!), since the books that I read when I was younger are my mom's of course. I have the first two, and now I just need to work on getting the rest so that my kids can read them when they get older :)

Well, not much of a review since I'm sure most of England, America and other various countries has already read the series... But, there ya go! If you haven't read them, take on your own month of Magical May ;)

Could'a, Should'a

It hit me again today. "Crap. I should'a learned Arabic."

I got my patriarchal blessing - if you don't know what that is and want to know, just ask me :) - before my family left for Saudi Arabia in 2002. I was 14. And it told me to learn Arabic. Like not just hinting toward it saying something like, "you have the opportunity to learn new things." No. Flat out, "strive to learn and understand this language." I could'a, I should'a.

Now, you're probably thinking, like I was, "when are you ever going to need to know Arabic??" Well, in my office. That's where. We have soooo many Arab couples come to our clinic. And most of them come to the Midwives because they are all women. (We have one female ob/gyn, but she's usually harder to get into.) Granted, most of them know enough English to get by. Most of the husbands know enough to communicate well, but still. I feel bad.

I didn't put in the effort to learn as much as I should have when I was actually in Saudi Arabia, but it was still always a life long goal. Mostly because I thought I had more of my life to learn it before I would use it. Like going into some major world war with the Middle East like 40 years down the road. Not in assisting the processes of pregnancy and gynecology a mere 10 years later. My only defense: It was 10 years ago. And I can't even remember squat from my two years of high school Spanish classes. Can't say that I would have retained much more than the few words I still know.

I hope what little connection I can spark helps them feel at least a little less... foreign ? Is that the right word? A little less scared? Just hoping for some type of connection that makes them feel more comfortable, more at home. Some of these young wives aren't much older than I was when I visited a gynecologist in Saudi Arabia. And I did not feel at home. That could have been mostly because it was a gynecology office, but still. We're a gynecology office, and a vaginal speculum is scary enough when you're here and you DO know English. 

I always mention to them that I used to live in Hai'l. Everyone I have met has actually been from Saudi Arabia, as opposed to other countries. They get excited, sometimes stunned, and ask questions. When? Why? And, of course, do you know Arabic?? ...I will. Some day. For now, I say as-salaam'alaykum (hello), and tell them which room number we will be in in Arabic. It works for now, I suppose. It has definitely taught me to respect my patriarchal blessing more, though. They give us direction, warning. If we don't heed that direction and warning, you may be stuck trying to explain uncomfortable things in an uncomfortable way :/ I could'a been the rockstar CMA that was able to translate for our Arab patients. Should'a been... goal for the next ten (hopefully not that many) years. Bottom line: Heed revelation. 

Down Came the Rain *February's Book*

Warning!! Some graphic material ahead...

For this month, I read Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression by Brooke Shields. Yes, it is another book that the midwives have and lend out :) I had been eyeing it for a while for mainly two reasons: I find it interesting when celebrities write books, especially about real things. It' makes them seem more real themselves, I guess. And postpartum depression (PPD) interests me since I had it after Via for just a little while. It's weird.

In the book, Brooke goes through her story of trying to get pregnant, seemingly endless fertility treatments, and then her massive struggle with depression and self after her first daughter, Rowan, was born. (Love that name, btw.) She describes things only a mother who has had PPD would understand. If you haven't had it or seen it, it's hard to comprehend. Why would a mother envision her baby flying across the room and hitting a wall? Or scissors ending up in the baby?? Not that the mother thinks or even plans to do these things, and it's not even her doing them in her head... They are just flittering thoughts that enter with no warning or explanation. "What would happen if...?" Told you. Weird. Scary.

The trick to handling this depression is to know when to get help. You can get help! It's not that you're broken or a bad mother or you don't love your child. It's a chemical, hormonal imbalance that affects you in a very strange way. As many as 1 in 10 women have postpartum depression. Brooke's book is meant to educate others about the effects and getting help. She tries, and, I think, succeeds at motivating and informing women that you are not alone. You don't have to suffer alone.

At first, Brooke was very hesitant to even admit she had PPD. She thought it was only those women who actually hurt their children by drowning them or something. That's postpartum psychosis, most likely, and is different. In comparison, though, PPD is very different than the "baby blues" which usually only last a few days to two weeks and don't include thoughts of baby hurting or suicide.

Once the thoughts of jumping out the window and running away into nonexistence finally became too much, Brooke admitted she needed help. She was hesitant to start on an anti-depressant because she didn't want to become addicted, and thought it wasn't working at first, but noticed a drastic change when she decided to go off it.

I started on Wellbutrin. I had many of the same thoughts, that Brooke describes in her book, find their way into my head. What would happen if baby's head got smashed into something?? It didn't take me long to realize that this was NOT normal. It didn't mean I didn't love my baby or feel love for her, which IS a stark comparison to what Brooke was feeling. I didn't want to hurt my baby at all. I wasn't the one who would smash her with anything. But what would it be like if...? So I saw my doctor. (Yes, I do take pride in seeking help quickly.) And I started on medication. This particular one only intensified the thought of drowning in a bathtub, though. It was extremely vivid one night. I could see the water rising up and up. It surrounded me. I slowly sank down into the water and actually believed I was drowning for a few seconds. It was time to try a different medication :) I started on Pristiq, and it worked great. I find it interesting that our different bodies and personalities respond to medication differently. Brooke started on Paxil, which worked just fine, but later tried Wellbutrin which worked wonders for her. Just trial and error with most anti-depressants.

They say it takes a while before you start to notice changes with anti-depressants. Apparently it didn't take too long with me. The Wellbutrin made me even more crazy in just two days. After a few weeks on the Pristiq I had forgotten to take it one day. I was insanely stressed out and on edge. I remember yelling at Lucas like I never had before because he was getting in the way of my unpacking (we had just moved). I felt terrible and then remembered that I didn't take my pill that morning (or the night before. I don't remember.)

After getting back into our routine of school and adjusting to having two kids I was able to wean off the medication just fine after only a few months. I was missing my rhythm. I wasn't used to staying at home all day everyday with a one year old while exhausted and pregnant. My life seemed a little dull until I actually had V. Then it changed drastically! Pile on the preterm labor, another NICU stay (which I didn't think was nearly as bad as Lucas's, but apparently took it's toll), recovering from a C-section, the sleep depravation (a big one!), and the thought of starting school again full-time 6 weeks after Via was born... I was a recipe for disaster!

The sleep depravation was a huge one for me. Mostly because I thought I was doing fine. My experiences with sleep were so different between my two kids. With Lucas, it seemed like if he were to stop breathing, it would happen at night. I have a hard time waking up for anything, and sadly, he was no exception. Where was that pure, selfless love a mother feels for her child?? I don't know. I had to resort to staying up all night with him (between the fear of him not breathing and the resentment at him waking me up) and I would just sleep during the day with him. It was totally fine if he woke me during the day since I should have been up anyway. My transition into "mommy sleep" with him was definitely a psychological one.

With Via, however, it was so easy. She would barely cry and I would be awake and ready to feed her most of the time. Sometimes I was groggy, as you might imagine, but I had no resentment toward her for waking me up. I would feed her, she would spit up, we'd both get naked, and we would sleep skin to skin for a while before I put her back in her bed all bundled up. Levi got up with her once in a while, but he didn't have to for the most part. Not until I hit serious PPD, anyway. Once all of that came to light and the sleep depravation had taken it's toll, he started getting up with her for the most part so I could get back on track and recover from surgery. That was the main thing that helped me. Just sleep.

Counseling also really helps those with PPD. They say the biggest help is medication with professional counseling. I tried one session, but once I got back into my life and routine, I really was just fine. It did help Brooke, though, as there were bigger issues than stress and routine contributing to her PPD.

She really does a great job of telling her story and educating about this disorder at the same time. I love her voice and style of writing. It was a really great read, and if you ever want an insight to what someone with PPD may be going through, it's a great resource. She explains it well. Better than I have attempted here, I'm sure. Sorry if I scared anyone. I tried my best to explain it, but as I said earlier, if you haven't experienced it, it's hard to grasp.

Just know that there is hope. There are resources. You are not broken. It will pass.

Crying on Sundays

It seems as if crying is new Sunday trend. Because I feel the spirit? Sadly, no. Not even close.

I try to get us in a good mood in the mornings with music and a good breakfast. Our church doesn't start until 1pm so the mornings are nice and slow. But Levi has been working the last 5 Sundays during church. I. can't. do. it. anymore! I don't know how other mothers do it by themselves. Please, tell me the secret!

We have Sacrament last, which also doesn't help. Lucas plays all morning and plays all afternoon in nursery, and then I expect him to sit still during Sacrament?? He thinks I'm crazy! I can't even get him to sit still through the first song! I've tried books and pictures and snacks and bribes and it just isn't working. Someone tell me there is a point to all this... Why should I even keep going?? Establishing habits, the few lines of the lesson I do get to hear, the learning Lucas gets from nursery? Most of the time I feel like we should just start all that when he can learn to keep his bum in a chair for more than 20 seconds. Or, better yet, we can just do it at home in our underwear!

I didn't even get through the opening song last week before I burst into tears from stress and embarrassment and gathered everything up to go home. It was like that the week before, as well. And the very first week... when the lid came off the sippy and milk went all over the carpet. This week we kind of made it through the Sacrament, but I still broke down in the driveway when we got home. Lucas goes one way while Via heads another. People try to help. One of our sweet nursery leaders held Via for a bit, but as soon as she realized it wasn't me she started throwing a fit. A friend of mine tried to take Lucas in the hall with her little girl, but that doesn't last long either. At least nothing got spilled on or smashed into the floor this week...

As I gathered things up to leave today, one of the members in the bishopric started commenting on how the Sacrament was a sacred and special time. I don't know how the rest of his comments went, but I definitely felt like he was singling me out. Here I am, the crazy woman with two little kids running around ruining the Sacrament for everyone else. What is the point?

The only thing holding me together right now is that Levi has next Sunday off. But what about the next 5 after that? I'm just not one of those amazing mothers who can get their children to hold still. I just can't do it on my own. I dread going to church. One should not dread going to church.

I remember when I was younger thinking how boring it was having to sit through meetings. I would love to just sit through an entire block without kids now. Ironic much?

And, of course, there's the "enjoy it while it lasts" and "they grow up way too fast." Yeah, I know. But that doesn't help me chase down the screaming toddler headed for the door in the chapel when everyone else is silent. It doesn't make me enjoy that time at all. I enjoy the time when they're cute and singing primary songs and maybe the time when I'm just following Via up and down the stairs in the hall during Sunday School. But it does not hold back the tears from embarrassment when my children are yelling during a sacred ordinance. It just doesn't.

Really, though. What is the point? I'm just bothering everyone else when they are trying to focus on the Savior. I'm just distracting people when I'm chasing toddlers up and down and in and out. I want to cry on Sundays because I am able to feel the Spirit. I don't want to cry because I'm frustrated and feeling horrible at this whole mothering business. What kind of a mother can't keep her kids still for even 20 10 minutes? I'm just not cut out for doing Sundays alone. I just can't do it anymore.

Clean All the Clothes!

Saturdays are usually laundry day. I know it works for some to keep up on it throughout the week and do a load a day... not for me. I do about 5-6 (sometimes 7) loads on Saturday. They get clean. Folding is a different story ;)

For almost a year now I've been making my laundry detergent. You may remember my post when I first started making powdered detergent. I thought it would be less work than doing liquid/gel detergent with the process of cooking and cooling and 5 gallon buckets and whatnot. Not true. I have found that the liquid kind is soooo much easier to make than the powdered, at least if you are like me and don't have a food processor. I would spend about an hour grating or chopping the soap super finely. My washer apparently doesn't like powder, either, because I would occasionally find clumps of it throughout the clothes. A new washer and dryer is on my list of things to get in the next five years, but probably not for a while. So I decided to give in and try a liquid version. I tried a Dawn dish soap version I found on One Good Thing by Jillee. It was super easy to make (and cheap) but after just one batch of it I could tell it was cheap. Dish soap was not made for clothes. I could tell it was taking a toll on my laundry. It wore on the fabric and made them seem very dull. So I ditched that kind as well. I had only one option left: liquid.

How did I not know it was so easy?? All of the pins I had found would seem like long, complicated processes. It's not. I read through a bunch and kind of developed my own recipe. I only make about 3-64oz containers at a time instead of 3 gallons or so. Each container lasts us at least over a week, sometimes two, using about 1/2 cup in each load. It gets our clothes clean without damaging them. It's easy, natural, and very cost effective!

Economical breakdown:

Fels Naptha bar soap ($1): 2 batches - $0.50 each batch
Washing soda (55 oz box for $4): 13 batches - $0.30 each batch
Borax (76 oz box for $3): 19 batches - $0.16 each batch
*exact prices may vary ;)

About $1 for a month's worth of laundry soap!

Today was my third batch of liquid, and it definitely is the best that I've tried by far! Here is the recipe that I concocted from reading other various recipes. What I've learned is it's really not so much about the amounts or the process you use; if it works for you, then it works!

Liquid Laundry Detergent:

1/2 bar laundry soap
6ish cups of water
*Dissolve/melt soap in water in largeish pot over mediumish heat while stirring.
1/2 cup Borax
1/2 cup washing soda
*Add after soap has dissolved. If you add before then, I've found that it takes a little longer for the soap to dissolve. Not a big deal if you have more than 15 minutes to throw this together.
*Let cool in pot. It will become gelatinous.
*Once cool, transfer to containers, divided evenly, using a funnel and a measuring cup or whatever.
*Add water to fill containers. Shake it up! Over time, ingredients may separate naturally, just shake before adding to the load.