Ten Mintues

Another post instead of mopping my floors? Sure!!

I'm sitting here watching my kids do "yoga." We were doing a bit earlier since Lucas got my mats out. Now he is rolling Via up like a hot dog. And we're done with that.

Lucas is now vacuuming, and Via is grabbing wet wipes and cleaning the Tv stand. And she's trying to put them back after she's done.

Now they each have one and are wiping off the Tv stand. It took us a while to get them to not clean the Tv with... never mind. They just tried to clean the Tv with the wipes again.

"Okay, are we all done cleaning?" Lucas replies, "Nope. Guys cleaning more."

Still cleaning the Tv stand... And pulling out more wipes. And some more.

Now throwing the wipes up in the air to see where they land.

Finding colored pencils behind the couch pillows. After a minute or so: "Lucas, what are you doing?" "Um, color this." "What are you coloring?" "Red."

And we're back to vacuuming. Welcome to ten minutes at our house :)

Not always exciting, but definitely eventful. I wish I had the energy to make it exciting today. I did change out of pajamas today about an hour ago (it's 3:30pm) but only to put them in the wash. Then I put on new pajamas. I have a feeling this won't be an especially productive weekend. At least it's a nice long one :)

Remembering those who have served and are serving our country so I can sit here and watch my kids try to do downward dog pose with a smile on my face. I'm not strong enough to be a military wife. I adore those who are. I salute those women along with their men. Thank you for all your sacrifice! Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day remembering why we are free to swim and BBQ!

No More Diapers!! (at least for Lucas... during the day)

Almost a month since I blogged last... again *sigh.* Life gets crazy.... especially with potty training. Oh, boy. We were told by daycare that Lucas was going on the potty there. They asked how it was going at home "uhm... not." I was really putting it off. He's not even three yet! I figured I had a few good months to procrastinate ;)

Well, I figured if they had started at daycare, we had better get on the ball as well. I really didn't think he was interested at all. I guess all I had to do was put him in some underwear, though! We started him in underwear last weekend, and it went really well! I was so shocked! I thought I would be cleaning up urine all day at home, just like I do at work (and at least I get paid to do it at work haha!) ;) Apparently I just don't know my son. We only had one or two accidents the first day, and our second day (Saturday) we went shopping and out to eat, where he used the public potty twice and didn't have an accident at all! Success!!

Going #2 on the potty was a different story, however. Saturday afternoon and Sunday (diaper at church), I realized the actual use for our handheld shower head. Glad we got that a few weeks prior! He also tends to sit on the potty and pee through his underwear lately. We still give him a Swedish fish for it since he realized he needed to go, but that doesn't help the underwear laundry :/ So today, I finally couldn't keep up with the clean underwear, and we've ran out. So he's naked. And it's working well! He went poo on the potty this morning! (He's gone a few times in the potty, but more often than not it's in his underwear :/) Maybe we'll just keep him un-underweared when we're at home!

We're trying to slowly get Via used to it, too. Girls train around two years, right? She's 18 months now. I figure if she can see Lucas doing it we could start the idea now. We may actually be out of diapers before we have the next kid haha! If all goes according to plan we should actually be out for about a year before the next one shows up. At any rate, our diaper bill is now cut in half!! No more diapers for Lucas! He does use one at night, but that's only one a day compared to 6ish. And he has quite a few left from our last $80 diaper excursion.

We also moved both kids to a toddler bed. We just took the side down on Via's crib. Lucas had an actual toddler bed waiting for him, so we took his crib down a few weeks ago. Via does great at night! Lucas. does. not. I'm not sure what else to try. I lay down with him, and he just wiggles. Then I get so frustrated. Last night I had to literally pin him down to keep him in bed. He just fights me. He wants Dad. Then Dad goes in and he wants Mom. He's not napping during the day when he's at home ( I think he still does at daycare). We've tried taking away privileges, Benadryl, wearing him out during the day, letting him read in bed while it's still light out... I don't know what else to do! I'm losing my mind every night I have to put him to bed. I don't want to put him back in the crib because I think that would inhibit the potty training by making him feel like a baby again. But this kid was up 'til 2:30 in the morning the other night! He just won't go to sleep. Do we just lock him in his room?? I have no idea... So that's the bedtime scoop. I'm losing it haha!

All these changes actually gave poor Lucas stress hives for a few days :( He's doing much better now. They haven't come back since I posted it on Facebook lol! I guess that was the cure. Things will get better with time, right?? These kids will be grown before I even realize it. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes! It's just so much easier to cherish the moments when they're sleeping in my arms instead of screaming in my ear ;) Love those cuties. At least I get paid in kisses when I have to clean up urine (and more) at home!

Reading and Singing

FINALLY finished Harry Potter!! It felt like forever when I was trying to get through them - really not long... a month and a half - but now I'm pretty sad that I'm done. I'm kind of having withdrawals. I can't wait to start the series again while reading it to the kids :) Is three too young?? And why did I wait so stinking long to finish the series??? Books 4 and 5 let me down so I just never got around to reading the last two. But they are fabulous! Love. HP.

I started reading Les Mis. I'm trying to decide if I want to keep reading it... It's not the abridged version. And I'm afraid I'm a little to dense to understand it. I'm not quite sure what's going on yet... and I've seen the movie ha! We'll see what happens with May's reading...

As for singing... Lucas has started singing. I love it. My mom and grandma used to sing 'The Cherry Song' to me as a kid. That's what we call it anyway. It's an old riddle song:

I gave my love a cherry that had no stone
I gave my love a chicken that had no bone
I gave my love a ring that had no end
I gave my love a baby with no crying

How can there be a cherry, etc...

A cherry that's bloomin', it has no stone
A chicken when it's pippin', it has no bone
A ring when it's rollin', it has no end
And a baby when he's sleeping has no crying

Levi thinks it's a weird song. He's right. But I still love it :) And apparently Lucas loves it, too! (I recorded on my phone in his dark room... the video really is black, you just need the sound, though, so no worries.)

My grandma met the kids and me in Idaho Falls this weekend, and she tried to sing this song to Lucas in the car. My poor grandma. Lucas's reply was "No. Mommy sing." Lil' stinker!

These kids are growing up way too fast already. I tried to tell them they aren't allowed, but they don't listen :( Right now there are a few really bad days, but most are good days. I love these ages and their age gap. People usually think I just go crazy all the time, and sometimes I do, but most of the time I love it. They play great together. The moments where Levi and I are like "yeah, we should have more" are definitely outweighing the "my heavens, we're crazy!" moments lately ;)

...So I Run Now

If you're read through my new year's goals, you know that I've tried for a few months now to get my life in a healthier place, especially physically. And, as I've said before, I always get those comments: "But you're already so skinny!" "Don't tell me you're on a diet!" Well, I went to a CMA conference this weekend and learned that even skinny people get Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus, and as a result of their body weight, they are usually the ones that get skipped with the diagnosis. This will be me in 20 years if I don't do something. I'm sure of it. I love sugar. I love soda. I love fast food, especially Baconators right now :/ I love the unhealthy. The skinnies are the ones that get overlooked when it comes to health. "Oh, you're cholesterol is a little high, but don't worry, you're skinny." This Dr. at the conference said these are the ones that drop dead at 45 from a heart attack. I may have come into the world with a heart problem, but that's not how I'm going out! Especially at 45... so I run now. 

I also got a bit of good news as I asked my OB (the one who gave me the green light to have more kids) in passing what my chances would be to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) would be, assuming the next kid is in the right position. He told me 80%. I like those odds :) I would absolutely love to try for a VBAC! I won't get into the opinions and risks and whatever... that's an entirely different post altogether. The main reason for my previous c-sections with Lucas and Via were that they were both frank breech because of the septum (or wall) in my baby maker. They just grew that way. If you've read the previous post, you know the plan is to remove the septum, making it possible (hopefully) for the next kiddos to grow well and position the right way. We shall see. The runner-up reason for the c-sections was my heart. The cardiologists just figured it might be safer to do a c-secion. Did I agree with them? Yes. Was I in shape at all then? No. If I get in shape and am able to run a 5K or whatever, would I still agree? Probably not. We will see how it all works out of course, but at least if I get in shape I can use that as my pro-VBAC argument... so I run now ;)

Special thanks to the ladies that get me up and running 3 times a week now!

Magical March

I know. It's April. It's even the middle of April, and I haven't blogged in over a month. I was trying to get through all of the Harry Potter books for my "magical March" reading :) Cheesy?? I don't care haha! I didn't start until the 13th or so, and I still have the last one to read. I will try to get through that one by the end of this month and then go from there. Maybe Les Mis May? No, I've never read that one either. I had to read Walden in high school instead of Les Mis. Don't ask me why *serious eye rolling*

I started reading Harry Potter when they were first coming out when I was younger, but I stopped after 5. And after reading through them all again, I remembered why. 4 and 5 were definitely not my faves. Love the series, though, love her writing, love the movies. I also hadn't seen the last 4 movies, which I watched the weekend prior to delving into the books. This drives some people crazy! Seeing the movie before reading the book... but I love it! I don't have that great of an imagination. My thoughts when reading aren't very detailed and they're kind of "blurry" if that helps explain it at all ha! The movies are so much better than what I picture in my head most of the time! And if they're not, then I'm usually more disappointed if I read the book first. Like Twilight. We won't even go there.

The picture in my head is always, always different (understandably) than the actual motion picture (yup. dug that word out of the 1950s or whatever). I hate reading the book first and then seeing the movie in a completely different way. It's just frustrating to me for some reason. I usually pay attention to moves better, too. My mind likes to skip the sentences where people aren't speaking. Then I have to go back :/ Reading comprehension was never one of my best skills haha!

Anyway, if you haven't yet read the Harry Potter series because you are a decade behind like me, I suggest you do :) I know my grandma doesn't want to read the rest because she knows what happens (she's so cute) but the books explain sooo much more! And I just love the way J. K. Rowling writes. She's fantastic. I borrowed most of the books from my fabulous midwife Patty (thank you!), since the books that I read when I was younger are my mom's of course. I have the first two, and now I just need to work on getting the rest so that my kids can read them when they get older :)

Well, not much of a review since I'm sure most of England, America and other various countries has already read the series... But, there ya go! If you haven't read them, take on your own month of Magical May ;)

Could'a, Should'a

It hit me again today. "Crap. I should'a learned Arabic."

I got my patriarchal blessing - if you don't know what that is and want to know, just ask me :) - before my family left for Saudi Arabia in 2002. I was 14. And it told me to learn Arabic. Like not just hinting toward it saying something like, "you have the opportunity to learn new things." No. Flat out, "strive to learn and understand this language." I could'a, I should'a.

Now, you're probably thinking, like I was, "when are you ever going to need to know Arabic??" Well, in my office. That's where. We have soooo many Arab couples come to our clinic. And most of them come to the Midwives because they are all women. (We have one female ob/gyn, but she's usually harder to get into.) Granted, most of them know enough English to get by. Most of the husbands know enough to communicate well, but still. I feel bad.

I didn't put in the effort to learn as much as I should have when I was actually in Saudi Arabia, but it was still always a life long goal. Mostly because I thought I had more of my life to learn it before I would use it. Like going into some major world war with the Middle East like 40 years down the road. Not in assisting the processes of pregnancy and gynecology a mere 10 years later. My only defense: It was 10 years ago. And I can't even remember squat from my two years of high school Spanish classes. Can't say that I would have retained much more than the few words I still know.

I hope what little connection I can spark helps them feel at least a little less... foreign ? Is that the right word? A little less scared? Just hoping for some type of connection that makes them feel more comfortable, more at home. Some of these young wives aren't much older than I was when I visited a gynecologist in Saudi Arabia. And I did not feel at home. That could have been mostly because it was a gynecology office, but still. We're a gynecology office, and a vaginal speculum is scary enough when you're here and you DO know English. 

I always mention to them that I used to live in Hai'l. Everyone I have met has actually been from Saudi Arabia, as opposed to other countries. They get excited, sometimes stunned, and ask questions. When? Why? And, of course, do you know Arabic?? ...I will. Some day. For now, I say as-salaam'alaykum (hello), and tell them which room number we will be in in Arabic. It works for now, I suppose. It has definitely taught me to respect my patriarchal blessing more, though. They give us direction, warning. If we don't heed that direction and warning, you may be stuck trying to explain uncomfortable things in an uncomfortable way :/ I could'a been the rockstar CMA that was able to translate for our Arab patients. Should'a been... goal for the next ten (hopefully not that many) years. Bottom line: Heed revelation. 

Down Came the Rain *February's Book*

Warning!! Some graphic material ahead...

For this month, I read Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression by Brooke Shields. Yes, it is another book that the midwives have and lend out :) I had been eyeing it for a while for mainly two reasons: I find it interesting when celebrities write books, especially about real things. It' makes them seem more real themselves, I guess. And postpartum depression (PPD) interests me since I had it after Via for just a little while. It's weird.

In the book, Brooke goes through her story of trying to get pregnant, seemingly endless fertility treatments, and then her massive struggle with depression and self after her first daughter, Rowan, was born. (Love that name, btw.) She describes things only a mother who has had PPD would understand. If you haven't had it or seen it, it's hard to comprehend. Why would a mother envision her baby flying across the room and hitting a wall? Or scissors ending up in the baby?? Not that the mother thinks or even plans to do these things, and it's not even her doing them in her head... They are just flittering thoughts that enter with no warning or explanation. "What would happen if...?" Told you. Weird. Scary.

The trick to handling this depression is to know when to get help. You can get help! It's not that you're broken or a bad mother or you don't love your child. It's a chemical, hormonal imbalance that affects you in a very strange way. As many as 1 in 10 women have postpartum depression. Brooke's book is meant to educate others about the effects and getting help. She tries, and, I think, succeeds at motivating and informing women that you are not alone. You don't have to suffer alone.

At first, Brooke was very hesitant to even admit she had PPD. She thought it was only those women who actually hurt their children by drowning them or something. That's postpartum psychosis, most likely, and is different. In comparison, though, PPD is very different than the "baby blues" which usually only last a few days to two weeks and don't include thoughts of baby hurting or suicide.

Once the thoughts of jumping out the window and running away into nonexistence finally became too much, Brooke admitted she needed help. She was hesitant to start on an anti-depressant because she didn't want to become addicted, and thought it wasn't working at first, but noticed a drastic change when she decided to go off it.

I started on Wellbutrin. I had many of the same thoughts, that Brooke describes in her book, find their way into my head. What would happen if baby's head got smashed into something?? It didn't take me long to realize that this was NOT normal. It didn't mean I didn't love my baby or feel love for her, which IS a stark comparison to what Brooke was feeling. I didn't want to hurt my baby at all. I wasn't the one who would smash her with anything. But what would it be like if...? So I saw my doctor. (Yes, I do take pride in seeking help quickly.) And I started on medication. This particular one only intensified the thought of drowning in a bathtub, though. It was extremely vivid one night. I could see the water rising up and up. It surrounded me. I slowly sank down into the water and actually believed I was drowning for a few seconds. It was time to try a different medication :) I started on Pristiq, and it worked great. I find it interesting that our different bodies and personalities respond to medication differently. Brooke started on Paxil, which worked just fine, but later tried Wellbutrin which worked wonders for her. Just trial and error with most anti-depressants.

They say it takes a while before you start to notice changes with anti-depressants. Apparently it didn't take too long with me. The Wellbutrin made me even more crazy in just two days. After a few weeks on the Pristiq I had forgotten to take it one day. I was insanely stressed out and on edge. I remember yelling at Lucas like I never had before because he was getting in the way of my unpacking (we had just moved). I felt terrible and then remembered that I didn't take my pill that morning (or the night before. I don't remember.)

After getting back into our routine of school and adjusting to having two kids I was able to wean off the medication just fine after only a few months. I was missing my rhythm. I wasn't used to staying at home all day everyday with a one year old while exhausted and pregnant. My life seemed a little dull until I actually had V. Then it changed drastically! Pile on the preterm labor, another NICU stay (which I didn't think was nearly as bad as Lucas's, but apparently took it's toll), recovering from a C-section, the sleep depravation (a big one!), and the thought of starting school again full-time 6 weeks after Via was born... I was a recipe for disaster!

The sleep depravation was a huge one for me. Mostly because I thought I was doing fine. My experiences with sleep were so different between my two kids. With Lucas, it seemed like if he were to stop breathing, it would happen at night. I have a hard time waking up for anything, and sadly, he was no exception. Where was that pure, selfless love a mother feels for her child?? I don't know. I had to resort to staying up all night with him (between the fear of him not breathing and the resentment at him waking me up) and I would just sleep during the day with him. It was totally fine if he woke me during the day since I should have been up anyway. My transition into "mommy sleep" with him was definitely a psychological one.

With Via, however, it was so easy. She would barely cry and I would be awake and ready to feed her most of the time. Sometimes I was groggy, as you might imagine, but I had no resentment toward her for waking me up. I would feed her, she would spit up, we'd both get naked, and we would sleep skin to skin for a while before I put her back in her bed all bundled up. Levi got up with her once in a while, but he didn't have to for the most part. Not until I hit serious PPD, anyway. Once all of that came to light and the sleep depravation had taken it's toll, he started getting up with her for the most part so I could get back on track and recover from surgery. That was the main thing that helped me. Just sleep.

Counseling also really helps those with PPD. They say the biggest help is medication with professional counseling. I tried one session, but once I got back into my life and routine, I really was just fine. It did help Brooke, though, as there were bigger issues than stress and routine contributing to her PPD.

She really does a great job of telling her story and educating about this disorder at the same time. I love her voice and style of writing. It was a really great read, and if you ever want an insight to what someone with PPD may be going through, it's a great resource. She explains it well. Better than I have attempted here, I'm sure. Sorry if I scared anyone. I tried my best to explain it, but as I said earlier, if you haven't experienced it, it's hard to grasp.

Just know that there is hope. There are resources. You are not broken. It will pass.