January's Book: Baby Catcher

I recently finished a book called Baby Catcher - it was my book for January. It's one that the Midwives lend out to patients. It tells the story of one woman on her journey through her midwifery start and career. It is inspiring, even if you have no interest in midwifery. However, it made me take a second look at it as a career choice for myself, but mostly it just made me want to give birth!

At times I feel a little cheated that I didn't get to experience labor and delivery the way most women do - some of you may think I'm crazy, that's okay. With an easy labor up until I had my pleasant c-sections, I never got to experience what women were made to do, what our bodies were made to do. (This is purely from a reproductive standpoint; I agree women were made to do more than just have babies.) So, the book made me a little sad. It also made me wonder if we will ever have a chance to experience things later that we didn't get to here. Not sinful stuff, of course, but things like this. I hope so. Even if we do have more babies, I doubt I would ever be allowed or able to give birth naturally.

Also, as I mentioned earlier, it made me think about my future. Where in the world do I want to up - career wise? When I was younger, I always wanted to be a pediatric cardiologist, just like the amazing Dr. Judd whom I saw for my first decade. But now, many things are appealing to me - and, in contrast, 10 more years of school is not super appealing to me.

When Lucas was in the NICU, I started thinking about neonatology. And, now that I'm working with midwives, that also doesn't seem like a bad idea at all. I just don't know. But, that's the thing... I don't have to know. I don't have to have it all figured out right now. When I was in high school, I thought I had to, and I thought I did, but I had no idea. I still have no idea. Right now, I'm very happy with my career choice. I really love my job. And that's good enough for now.

I do know I want to go onto something someday. Nursing first, probably. But from nursing I would have many options: midwifery, nurse practitioner, even med school. The plan is for our babies to start school before I start school again, though. So, I have a little while :)

Speaking of babies. Motherhood is interesting. I finally feel like I'm falling into it well. I always thought I would be a good mom, and I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard. And it's really not the kids. It's me. I'm always saying my kids are crazy, and they are, but they're supposed to me. It's our job to remain as un-crazy as possible while raising them. Being a working mom started out super rough. I'm finally falling into that as well. The time I do get to spend with them is now rare and precious, so we make it worth it (most days). In some ways, being a working mother is actually making me a better mother.

Motherhood, for me at least, also brings with it guilt. So much guilt. (Is this normal??) A little guilt from everyday things like feeding them mac and cheese instead of veggies, but mostly it comes from the strong mothers who no longer have their babies. It tears me up thinking that I was lucky enough to have two healthy babies where others, whom you can tell would make amazing mothers, have lost one or two or more... I see miscarriage in the clinic all the time. It rips at my heart. But... it also inspires me in a way: It inspires me to be a better mother to the ones I have. So, thank you (probably not the right sentiment), to all of you amazing, strong women who have suffered in a way that many of us could not understand.

This wave crashed over me last night as I was putting Lucas to bed. He's a little under the weather, so he let me cuddle him and sing to him without thrashing and kicking ;) We just stood in his room in the dark while I sang and then suddenly burst into tears over the privilege of having him in our home. And as I cried, he asked, "Mama, okay?? Mama, sad?" Which, of course, led me into another round of tears over the thought of how quickly he is growing up... It was an emotional bed time ;)

Well, this mama has to get ready for work now. I just wanted to share my spin off of thoughts from my 'one book a month' goal :) Happy Thursday, everyone!