Crying on Sundays

It seems as if crying is new Sunday trend. Because I feel the spirit? Sadly, no. Not even close.

I try to get us in a good mood in the mornings with music and a good breakfast. Our church doesn't start until 1pm so the mornings are nice and slow. But Levi has been working the last 5 Sundays during church. I. can't. do. it. anymore! I don't know how other mothers do it by themselves. Please, tell me the secret!

We have Sacrament last, which also doesn't help. Lucas plays all morning and plays all afternoon in nursery, and then I expect him to sit still during Sacrament?? He thinks I'm crazy! I can't even get him to sit still through the first song! I've tried books and pictures and snacks and bribes and it just isn't working. Someone tell me there is a point to all this... Why should I even keep going?? Establishing habits, the few lines of the lesson I do get to hear, the learning Lucas gets from nursery? Most of the time I feel like we should just start all that when he can learn to keep his bum in a chair for more than 20 seconds. Or, better yet, we can just do it at home in our underwear!

I didn't even get through the opening song last week before I burst into tears from stress and embarrassment and gathered everything up to go home. It was like that the week before, as well. And the very first week... when the lid came off the sippy and milk went all over the carpet. This week we kind of made it through the Sacrament, but I still broke down in the driveway when we got home. Lucas goes one way while Via heads another. People try to help. One of our sweet nursery leaders held Via for a bit, but as soon as she realized it wasn't me she started throwing a fit. A friend of mine tried to take Lucas in the hall with her little girl, but that doesn't last long either. At least nothing got spilled on or smashed into the floor this week...

As I gathered things up to leave today, one of the members in the bishopric started commenting on how the Sacrament was a sacred and special time. I don't know how the rest of his comments went, but I definitely felt like he was singling me out. Here I am, the crazy woman with two little kids running around ruining the Sacrament for everyone else. What is the point?

The only thing holding me together right now is that Levi has next Sunday off. But what about the next 5 after that? I'm just not one of those amazing mothers who can get their children to hold still. I just can't do it on my own. I dread going to church. One should not dread going to church.

I remember when I was younger thinking how boring it was having to sit through meetings. I would love to just sit through an entire block without kids now. Ironic much?

And, of course, there's the "enjoy it while it lasts" and "they grow up way too fast." Yeah, I know. But that doesn't help me chase down the screaming toddler headed for the door in the chapel when everyone else is silent. It doesn't make me enjoy that time at all. I enjoy the time when they're cute and singing primary songs and maybe the time when I'm just following Via up and down the stairs in the hall during Sunday School. But it does not hold back the tears from embarrassment when my children are yelling during a sacred ordinance. It just doesn't.

Really, though. What is the point? I'm just bothering everyone else when they are trying to focus on the Savior. I'm just distracting people when I'm chasing toddlers up and down and in and out. I want to cry on Sundays because I am able to feel the Spirit. I don't want to cry because I'm frustrated and feeling horrible at this whole mothering business. What kind of a mother can't keep her kids still for even 20 10 minutes? I'm just not cut out for doing Sundays alone. I just can't do it anymore.